My Eat Pray Love Moment

Recently when I was in Bali, I attended a Self Love Retreat.

On this retreat, I experienced my first Balinese purification ceremony.

I dressed in white sarong with a bright yellow ribbon tied around my solar plexus.
I chanted.
I prayed.
I walked into a flowing river and let it flow through me.

As I stood in the river – I asked myself for forgiveness.

I forgave myself for all the times …

I abandoned my true self.
I ignored my intuition and instead did what was expected of me.
I chased someone else’s happiness over my own.
I neglected and abused my body to meet someone else’s standard of beauty.
I’ve lied to myself and others, because I was afraid my truth wasn’t worthy of love.
I chose what was easy over what was right for me.

And, as I stood in the river – I let it all go.

I felt grace.

And, then, Spirit spoke to me.

Spirit whispered – “I’m so proud of you.” There was a long pause. She then went on “You need to work on being vulnerable. Your healing journey is going to make a real difference in the world. It’s time to let the world see the real you. It’s okay to be you.” (And, my eyes are filled with tears as I write this).

I didn’t want to get out of the river. I wanted to stay in that moment and in that feeling for as long as possible.

But, the group was waiting for me, so I slowly made my way out of the river and back to the women’s circle for the purification ceremony led by a Balinese Healer.

The Balinese Healer had a sacred moment with each one of us. One by one, he looked deep into our eyes and shared what he saw. It was profound.

He shared things with each woman like …
“Too much stress, must learn to live from your heart”
“Bad memory, time to let go of the past”
“Too much control, time to trust”
“You must believe in your blessings and have faith”

And when it was my turn.

As I locked eyes with the Balinese Healer, I burst into happy tears and a gentle smile came across my face. He said: “Already better. You were broken but you’re not anymore. You’ve done the work”.

And, then for one moment, my soul felt struck and my heart went still.

I continued to process – Already better? I’m whole now? I’ve done the work?

My mind reacted – “Is he talking to me?”

My soul responded – “He is talking to me.”

A deep peace came over my body when hearing the Balinese Healer say those words. I felt validated because I have done the work.

It’s been messy. It’s been really stinking hard. It’s been painful. It’s taken every fibre of my being to believe it’s okay to be me and that I am worthy of living a beautiful life. It’s taken courage, hard work, discipline and a massive bucket-load of self-trust to shed the layers of the woman I was and step into the woman I am today.

So to every mama out there who feels broken, who feels stuck, feels lost, who has a dream of truer and more beautiful life … I hope this story provides you with hope. Hope that if I can do it – you can too.